Journey to Health, or why I torture myself

Let's talk gymlife for a minute.
For some people, including me, going to the gym isn't as simple as putting on workas out clothes, grabbing a bottle of water and walking in the building.
It's almost a ritual for me, a fine line balancing act, and I nearly have it down to a science.
I try to check my blood sugar about an hour before I go. If it's 175 our less I need to jack up my carbs.  30-45 minutes on the elliptical will drop me 100-150 pts, which would be dangerous if to low. I try to take a cup of vanilla Greek yogurt with fruit mixed in, and granola to sprinkle on top to work with me for a pre work out snack. I will drink a soda with it, if my sugar is to low. Sugary drinks will raise blood sugar fast, but will result in a fast crash also. Protein at the same time will balance that out a little and help to stabilize blood sugar(yogurt has decent protein).
Then I have to keep glucose tablets at hand, just in case I didn't estimate my sugar need high enough. I can't easily have them on me while working out, so I keep them in a locker, so then have a lock I need to try to remember the combo for as my brain is slowly shutting down. I often write the combo on my wrist so I can show someone if I need to ask for help.
Pain is the next issue. Sometimes walking from the car to the building is difficult, the elliptical would be impossible except for my pain meds.
I try to medicate about an hour before I go, so they will be at their peak. If everything is perfect at work it will work out. Sometimes its not and I can't even guess when I will be leaving. So I medicate just as I leave work. That means I sit in my rig and wait for the meds to kick in, burning precious sugar that I already jacked up. Even sitting you burn carbs from breathing and your heart beating, as well as your brain thinking. It's not much but when you try to keep your carb intake up just enough to handle the workout it can throw things out of whack.
Then you finally get in the building, lock your stuff up and head to the elliptical. Step up and start moving. And then you realize that it still hurts, badly. You try to push through it, knowing that though it hurts, it's not doing any damage. You end up stopping every 5 minutes or so, and after 20 minutes of that song and dance you just give up, especially since it really doesn't feel like much of a work out with all those stops.
Grab your stuff and head home, knowing now your blood sugar is to high and you will have to take insulin to counteract the carb loading.
The guilt hits later. You know you need the exercise and you really did try, but that effort that was all for nothing has now taken 2 hours out of an evening you could have spent with your husband. So you decide to take the next day off to spend with your partner and family, but feel guilty because you know you really need to work out. The circular thinking sucks.


Don't judge. That person going slow, stopping often, and quitting after just a few minutes may have a chronic condition that makes it difficult. They may want to do more, but it's physically impossible.


























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why or where, life with chronic pain

I have let mood dictate my recent lack of communication, but tonight it's on.
Not much has really been going on. Lee is doing well, kids are great, and I'm doing relatively ok on the blood issue. I'm not doing ok on the pain issue though.
I always hesitate to talk about pain. It's not observable unless there's a visible cause, broken bone, impaled by a pole type of visible. It's a hidden curse. You can say I hurt, but the next question is always "why", followed by "where". The why is the diagnosis the doctor gives. The where...it all depends.  My pain is known as chronic pain syndrome. I am a prisoner and my number is 338.4.
Recently we had to make a major change to my pain management program. We went in a direction I never wanted to go in. It had to be done though because of my liver. With it being enlarged anything with Tylenol is now off the table. I'm now on a long acting with the same drug in a short acting form for break through pain. My doctor suggested this about a year ago(well before we knew of the liver issue), but I was hesitant and declined. I felt then that if I went for the stronger drugs it would mean I failed, that I was getting worse, and then there was also the mindset that only fakers that are addicted to narcotics and need their high use these drugs. I refused to risk that type of addiction, though after 4 years on any opiod narcotic 3-5 times a day every day there is going to be some amount of physical addiction.
I got the new prescription and turned it in to the pharmacy. Then I cried all the way home. I feel like I'm starting over again, I really do feel like I failed, though I really have no option any more.

Life goes on and you learn to live with pain. And you learn to hide the pain, and that you are on these medications.