Journey to Health, or why I torture myself

Let's talk gymlife for a minute.
For some people, including me, going to the gym isn't as simple as putting on workas out clothes, grabbing a bottle of water and walking in the building.
It's almost a ritual for me, a fine line balancing act, and I nearly have it down to a science.
I try to check my blood sugar about an hour before I go. If it's 175 our less I need to jack up my carbs.  30-45 minutes on the elliptical will drop me 100-150 pts, which would be dangerous if to low. I try to take a cup of vanilla Greek yogurt with fruit mixed in, and granola to sprinkle on top to work with me for a pre work out snack. I will drink a soda with it, if my sugar is to low. Sugary drinks will raise blood sugar fast, but will result in a fast crash also. Protein at the same time will balance that out a little and help to stabilize blood sugar(yogurt has decent protein).
Then I have to keep glucose tablets at hand, just in case I didn't estimate my sugar need high enough. I can't easily have them on me while working out, so I keep them in a locker, so then have a lock I need to try to remember the combo for as my brain is slowly shutting down. I often write the combo on my wrist so I can show someone if I need to ask for help.
Pain is the next issue. Sometimes walking from the car to the building is difficult, the elliptical would be impossible except for my pain meds.
I try to medicate about an hour before I go, so they will be at their peak. If everything is perfect at work it will work out. Sometimes its not and I can't even guess when I will be leaving. So I medicate just as I leave work. That means I sit in my rig and wait for the meds to kick in, burning precious sugar that I already jacked up. Even sitting you burn carbs from breathing and your heart beating, as well as your brain thinking. It's not much but when you try to keep your carb intake up just enough to handle the workout it can throw things out of whack.
Then you finally get in the building, lock your stuff up and head to the elliptical. Step up and start moving. And then you realize that it still hurts, badly. You try to push through it, knowing that though it hurts, it's not doing any damage. You end up stopping every 5 minutes or so, and after 20 minutes of that song and dance you just give up, especially since it really doesn't feel like much of a work out with all those stops.
Grab your stuff and head home, knowing now your blood sugar is to high and you will have to take insulin to counteract the carb loading.
The guilt hits later. You know you need the exercise and you really did try, but that effort that was all for nothing has now taken 2 hours out of an evening you could have spent with your husband. So you decide to take the next day off to spend with your partner and family, but feel guilty because you know you really need to work out. The circular thinking sucks.


Don't judge. That person going slow, stopping often, and quitting after just a few minutes may have a chronic condition that makes it difficult. They may want to do more, but it's physically impossible.


























RSA

The Ugly Side of Me

Once upon a time I had dreams. I had aspirations. I knew what I wanted with life.
Real life got in the way.
I became a single mom.
I did what I had to.
I went to school. I became a nurse. I grew up and learned how to support my family. I didn't always do things the best, but we made it through everything.
I got married. I love this man with all my heart, by this isn't the life i pictured or wanted.
I work a low paying job(for my career), but the benefits are good,the hours are good, and if I'm needed at home I have the ability to do that.
I hate being a nurse. I didn't want to be a nurse, yet certain people, when I try to talk about my feelings, will turn things around and say "you always wanted to be a nurse as a kid". Reality is that no I didn't. A woman important to me is a nurse. I wanted to be like her. It wasn't me though. I had bigger dreams and aspirations. I was afraid to be me, to say what I wanted to be, I was always pushed in the direction others saw for me. I always had the need, the drive, to be what others wanted for me. I regret it.
I'm not me. I'm a nurse, a mom, a wife. I regret the first. They second filled my life with love and hope and taught me so much, how to love others at the most basic, the most complete level. The third I am madly in love with, despite the complications of life. He completes me at the deepest level. He is the reason I needed to be a nurse. I needed to do it for him, despite not knowing him until 9 years ago. It's what he needed, and now I have the skills to care for him, to discuss things with his doctors and therapists at a clinical level with emotional detachment.
As a child I REALLY wanted to be a marine biologist. My oldest child now carries that dream, and I hope and pray she doesn't give it up.
My real dream, now that I'm a grown up is research. I'm still not 100% certain, but that's not bad. I want to be a microbiologist with a minor in virology. I also want to study neurobiology, but I think majority of that is because of Lee. I dream of finding a real, legit, honest to God it works cure for Parkinsons disease.
My dream is dead. I wont ever do any of that. I can't get financial aide, and I certainly can't afford to pay for a doctorate level education, or even a Masters, let alone a bachelors. And if I could...I still would have to work full time. We couldn't live without me working. How could i fit school, work, caring for Lee in and have time to study? I don't have a time turner.
I really doubt anyone would support a gofundme for a 41 year old burnt out woman.
So my dreams are now dead.
I have to live the rest of my life knowing I really did fail at me.