I have hesitated to share this story, but I need to so others are aware.
You will see this number mentioned several times. Write it down please.
1-800-222-1222.
Keep the number of poison control handy. They have a medication nurse on staff and they can help regarding medications and overdoses, as well as poisons.
My husband is an old man(71) and has parkinsons(with a little dementia) and leukemia. I get his meds ready for him, every night I set up his bedtime and meds for the next morning, and do mine at the same time. I set mine down, place his morning ones down next to the coffee maker, turn and give him
his bedtime ones.
That night, July 30, 2016, I set up his meds, set them down, set up my meds, turned around and gave him mine to take, and he swallowed them just as I realized my mistake and said STOP.
Before you say something like that can never happen to me... I'm a nurse. An RN. I was also exhausted from work and being his caregiver, and planning a little vacation we were taking the next day.
He received 2 narcotics, a muscle relaxant, and a med for nerve pain, all of those can cause drowsiness and dizziness.
I never thought I would ever in a million lifetimes make this kind of mistake. I was torn up big time.
Poison control isn't just for chemicals/poisons/kid incidents. I called the VA nurses help line first. She kept me on the line while she called poison control 1-800-222-1222.. She didn't disconnect until I was talking to the medication nurse.
Even with their reassurances he would be ok, I was still a mess, still fighting tears, and barely holding off a panic attack.
The poison control nurse called me back 3 hours later to check on him, and me, and had given me her direct line if I needed to call before that, even if it was just to be reassured. When you call poison control it automatically routes to the closest regional center. 1-800-222-1222.
Always know what meds everyone in the household is on, keep a list on the fridge. They will ask when they took them, what meds they took, dosage, and what, if anything, they normally take.
I have all meds in a 3 drawer plastic shelf thing. One has his meds, one has mine, and one has all the back up stuff and my diabetes supplies. I didn't have a list on hand, but because I have them organized like that I was able to go right to the drawer and look at each bottle to tell her what they were. On a normal day I can name off each of our meds, dose, and when it's normally taken. In my panic I couldn't remember anything. I still kept a cool head, despite how I felt inside, but it wasn't enough. I couldn't think of the names, let alone dosage or times.
1) keep the number of poison control handy. Hang it by the phone. Program it into your cell. Write it on the fridge with a sharpie. 1-800-222-1222.
2) keep a list of medication names, dosage, and time it's normally taken.
3) keep all meds separate(many look nearly identical) and in a locked box if you have tiny minions around.
4) never hesitate to call/ask someone for help, you may not have the mindset to call 911 or poison control. 1-800-222-1222.
We are VERY fortunate nothing bad happened with this. I know we had luck and God on our side, it could have turned out so horribly different, I could have killed my husband accidentally. I am thankful nothing more than him sleeping 14 hours came from it.
I am not ready to lose him.
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
Thank you patients
I'm a nurse and though I've had many nurses I've worked with and loved that I respected and looked up to, it's the kids I cared for when I did pediatric home care that made the biggest impact on me.
The babies that weren't supposed to live, but are now 6, 12, 22 yrs old. The trust they gave me to keep them alive with an ambu bag for hours when a vent malfunctioned, the look in their eyes when I walked in to parents doing what they could while their child turned gray in front of them, the panic on their faces, in her eyes, as they tried to remain calm while an ambulance was called, all the while fighting not to show their child their fear that she was dying.
The child slowly dying from an incurable brain tumor I sat with all night so his parents could get some much needed sleep, trusting me to keep him out of pain.
The mom who didn't speak English who sent me home after 2 hours night after night because she trusted no one to care for her son except her, to gain her trust and become part of their family, celebrating holy days, birthdays, American holidays, and mourning with them when bad news was received from home
The young man who at 18 gained the strength to tell his parents no more, that he was done with hospitals and doctors, and that he was ready to accept the consequences of his decision, knowing he would die.
The preschooler I watched, and helped, wean off the vent, and meds, and said good bye to as she was now healthy enough she no longer needed nursing care, and I learned Viagra has many uses, even in 2 year old girls.
The baby we were told was blind and deaf, that couldn't sit unassisted or roll over at a year old...to see her now running, playing, eating, smiling at her favorite video and signing more over and over when it ended.
Each child, each family, each family member made an impact on me. Each one lives in my heart. Each one stole a piece of my heart. Each one I loved and cared for like they were my own.
Patients often don't realize the impact they have on their nurses. They don't realize how much they teach us. Christian, your family, have touched many lives, each of them better for it.
For us it's not a matter of "what did I learn from my nurse" it's more "what did my patient teach me today"60
The mom who didn't speak English who sent me home after 2 hours night after night because she trusted no one to care for her son except her, to gain her trust and become part of their family, celebrating holy days, birthdays, American holidays, and mourning with them when bad news was received from home.
The young man who at 18 gained the strength to tell his parents no more, that he was done with hospitals and doctors, and that he was ready to accept the consequences of his decision, knowing he would die.
The preschooler I watched, and helped wean off the vent, and meds, and said good bye to as she was now healthy enough she no longer needed nursing care.
The baby we were told was blind and deaf, that couldn't sit unassisted or roll over at a year old...to see her now running, playing, eating, smiling at her favorite video and signing more over and over when it ended.
Each child, each family, each family member made an impact on me. Each one lives in my heart. Each one stole a piece of my heart. Each one I loved and cared for like they were my own.
Patients often don't realize the impact they have on their nurses. They don't realize how much they teach us.
The babies that weren't supposed to live, but are now 6, 12, 22 yrs old. The trust they gave me to keep them alive with an ambu bag for hours when a vent malfunctioned, the look in their eyes when I walked in to parents doing what they could while their child turned gray in front of them, the panic on their faces, in her eyes, as they tried to remain calm while an ambulance was called, all the while fighting not to show their child their fear that she was dying.
The child slowly dying from an incurable brain tumor I sat with all night so his parents could get some much needed sleep, trusting me to keep him out of pain.
The mom who didn't speak English who sent me home after 2 hours night after night because she trusted no one to care for her son except her, to gain her trust and become part of their family, celebrating holy days, birthdays, American holidays, and mourning with them when bad news was received from home
The young man who at 18 gained the strength to tell his parents no more, that he was done with hospitals and doctors, and that he was ready to accept the consequences of his decision, knowing he would die.
The preschooler I watched, and helped, wean off the vent, and meds, and said good bye to as she was now healthy enough she no longer needed nursing care, and I learned Viagra has many uses, even in 2 year old girls.
The baby we were told was blind and deaf, that couldn't sit unassisted or roll over at a year old...to see her now running, playing, eating, smiling at her favorite video and signing more over and over when it ended.
Each child, each family, each family member made an impact on me. Each one lives in my heart. Each one stole a piece of my heart. Each one I loved and cared for like they were my own.
Patients often don't realize the impact they have on their nurses. They don't realize how much they teach us. Christian, your family, have touched many lives, each of them better for it.
For us it's not a matter of "what did I learn from my nurse" it's more "what did my patient teach me today"60
The mom who didn't speak English who sent me home after 2 hours night after night because she trusted no one to care for her son except her, to gain her trust and become part of their family, celebrating holy days, birthdays, American holidays, and mourning with them when bad news was received from home.
The young man who at 18 gained the strength to tell his parents no more, that he was done with hospitals and doctors, and that he was ready to accept the consequences of his decision, knowing he would die.
The preschooler I watched, and helped wean off the vent, and meds, and said good bye to as she was now healthy enough she no longer needed nursing care.
The baby we were told was blind and deaf, that couldn't sit unassisted or roll over at a year old...to see her now running, playing, eating, smiling at her favorite video and signing more over and over when it ended.
Each child, each family, each family member made an impact on me. Each one lives in my heart. Each one stole a piece of my heart. Each one I loved and cared for like they were my own.
Patients often don't realize the impact they have on their nurses. They don't realize how much they teach us.
Sunday, June 19, 2016
Life as a caregiver
I got a message the other day that really made me smile, and cry. It warmed my heart. I really needed to hear it after a really bad day.
I want to talk about being a caregiver to a spouse that's terminally ill.
It's hard. It sucks. Its even worse when you have to work full time also.
There's no other way to put it.
We don't do it for the praise, we know our spouse appreciates it, we know how they feel.
We sure as hell don't do it for money, there is no pay.
We don't do it to make ourselves feel better, its physically and mentally exhausting.
We do it out of love.
We do it out of compassion.
We do it because our heart says to.
We don't do it to impress people, there are days we go unshowered, teeth not brushed, hair pulled back in a ponytail because we were so busy getting our partner ready for an appointment we forgot to brush our hair.
I often get asked "how do you do it?"
There is no answer to that really. It's hard as all get out sometimes. It's not easy some days.
It's day in and day out, sleepless nights, tears in the shower worried about the one we love.
Its worrying about forgetting appointments, or being late because our spouse is having a bad day.
Its trying to focus just on our partners needs, physical and mental and not worrying about what others think, family or friends.
It's worrying that the next fall will result in bad injury, someone calling adult protective services, or even death.
Its worrying about sleeping through that fall and our partner laying there in pain, calling out to you but you are so exhausted you don't wake up.
It's guilt when you forget one their pills, or forget to take them with you when you get brave enough to take them on an all day outing.
It's love.
I want to talk about being a caregiver to a spouse that's terminally ill.
It's hard. It sucks. Its even worse when you have to work full time also.
There's no other way to put it.
We don't do it for the praise, we know our spouse appreciates it, we know how they feel.
We sure as hell don't do it for money, there is no pay.
We don't do it to make ourselves feel better, its physically and mentally exhausting.
We do it out of love.
We do it out of compassion.
We do it because our heart says to.
We don't do it to impress people, there are days we go unshowered, teeth not brushed, hair pulled back in a ponytail because we were so busy getting our partner ready for an appointment we forgot to brush our hair.
I often get asked "how do you do it?"
There is no answer to that really. It's hard as all get out sometimes. It's not easy some days.
It's day in and day out, sleepless nights, tears in the shower worried about the one we love.
Its worrying about forgetting appointments, or being late because our spouse is having a bad day.
Its trying to focus just on our partners needs, physical and mental and not worrying about what others think, family or friends.
It's worrying that the next fall will result in bad injury, someone calling adult protective services, or even death.
Its worrying about sleeping through that fall and our partner laying there in pain, calling out to you but you are so exhausted you don't wake up.
It's guilt when you forget one their pills, or forget to take them with you when you get brave enough to take them on an all day outing.
It's love.
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
We don't do dogs
I used to work at a nursing home. We had a resident who's dying wish was to have his dog cremated and their ashes mixed. So GH died. T was an old dog and had a lot of health problems so none of us had an issue with his wish. We made the arrangements well before G died. The day came and I stopped to pick T's ashes up on my way to work. Get to work and called the funeral home, as arranged with the director weeks before.
I sit down and call... "hello, I'm calling to arrange pick up of GH's dog T."
Funeral home1(FH)- " Ma'am, we don't do dogs"
Me-"yes, I understand that but we made these arrangements weeks ago and we were told to call after the dog was cremated"
FH-"yes, well, there are places that dispose of animal remains, if you call the shelter they can direct you to one"
Me-"thank you, but can I speak to your supervisor"
FH-"yes ma'am but they will also tell you we don't do dogs."(then transfers me)
FH2- "hello ma'am, I understand you have a dog for us to pick up"
Me-"yes, he's ready to be picked up, you already have his owner GH"
H2-"but ma'am, we don't do dogs"
Me-"I understand you don't do dogs, the dog is already done, he just needs picked up, can I please talk to your supervisor"
FH2-"yes, but they will tell you the same thing"(transfers me again)
FH3- "good evening, I understand there is some confusion regarding animal remains, we don't do dogs but if you call this number..."
Me-(very short and irritated by this point) explains again and tells him to call the director the arrangements were made with.
FH3- agrees to call director who isn't on call that weekend but will have him call me.
FH4(director)-" I'm sorry for the confusion, apparently the message didn't get passed to the weekend on call, we will send someone out within the hour"
Me- thanks him and hangs up to wait for the pick up.
Almost exactly one hour later... In walks a dude looking at an index card, pushing a gurney with a body bag on top...stops by the desk.
Him -"I'm here to pick up T Hambert*"
Me-stands up picks, the box up, walks around the nurses station, sets the box on top of the body bag on the gurney "here is Mr. Hamberts* dog T"
Him-"but ma'am, we don't do dogs"
Me-(as I'm sitting to start paperwork) "well today you do do dogs, have a nice night"
(He called the funeral home who had been notified of the irregular situation by this time, and was advised to return with the dogs remains immediately so they could get the dog done)
*name changed
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Strong for Life, Or how do you do what you do
I often get told I am one strong woman. I don't see myself as such. Here is my response to that statement.
Strong... Depends on the day :) I have many days I close myself in the bathroom and cry and feel sorry for myself and my life, then put on a happy face and go back to life. I'm in a facebook group for spousal caregivers and it's been a lifesaver. I can say things there I can't elsewhere for fear that people will think I'm a horrible person or say negative things about it when I just need to vent. I can talk about anything, kids, hubby, me.... Someone there has been there done that thought that. I think half my friends would drop me fast if I said something like how much easier it would have been if he had never woken from the coma 2 1/2 years ago, half of the rest would say things along the lines of how can you think something like that. The remaining 25% would vary between texting, messaging or calling to ask what's up and why are you thinking that, and saying I understand, what can I do to help.
Usually those feelings happen when I have to cancel something I'm looking forward to because he needs me. I married him knowing he had parkinsons (triggered by surgery to repair a brain aneurysm), and a probable stroke during the surgery(he had underlying parkinsons, the brain trauma kicked it into high gear).
I'm an RN and I know better than most what will happen with the parkinsons, that only makes it easier from a clinical standpoint, not as a wife. They discovered the leukemia after we were married. It wouldn't have changed the outcome, I still would have married him.
The kid...she's a lot easier to face, mental illness is a lifelong illness. It could get worse at any time, and I am thankful she's as stable as she is. When she was a teen it was harder emotionally for me. All the what ifs, how will she be able to do anything, live her dreams, what will happen if something happens to me, will she have to live at home forever (I wouldn't mind, but it would mean that she's not likely living her dream of becoming a marine biologist). Its also not a terminal disease and new medications and treatments come out fairly often and are much better at managing the disease. For her there is hope and always will be. She is currently unmedicated by her choice. She's managing it with learned techniques, She's outspoken about mental illness and doesn't hide it, so all her friends and professors know.
It's life, you do what you have to. You fall down, you have a tantrum, you pick yourself up and step back up to the plate for the next inning.
Life goes on.
Life in and of itself is a terminal disease.
Life has a way of going on.
You find the small victories and hold to them tightly, because when there are setbacks you need a victory to remind of the good in life.
Strong... Depends on the day :) I have many days I close myself in the bathroom and cry and feel sorry for myself and my life, then put on a happy face and go back to life. I'm in a facebook group for spousal caregivers and it's been a lifesaver. I can say things there I can't elsewhere for fear that people will think I'm a horrible person or say negative things about it when I just need to vent. I can talk about anything, kids, hubby, me.... Someone there has been there done that thought that. I think half my friends would drop me fast if I said something like how much easier it would have been if he had never woken from the coma 2 1/2 years ago, half of the rest would say things along the lines of how can you think something like that. The remaining 25% would vary between texting, messaging or calling to ask what's up and why are you thinking that, and saying I understand, what can I do to help.
Usually those feelings happen when I have to cancel something I'm looking forward to because he needs me. I married him knowing he had parkinsons (triggered by surgery to repair a brain aneurysm), and a probable stroke during the surgery(he had underlying parkinsons, the brain trauma kicked it into high gear).
I'm an RN and I know better than most what will happen with the parkinsons, that only makes it easier from a clinical standpoint, not as a wife. They discovered the leukemia after we were married. It wouldn't have changed the outcome, I still would have married him.
The kid...she's a lot easier to face, mental illness is a lifelong illness. It could get worse at any time, and I am thankful she's as stable as she is. When she was a teen it was harder emotionally for me. All the what ifs, how will she be able to do anything, live her dreams, what will happen if something happens to me, will she have to live at home forever (I wouldn't mind, but it would mean that she's not likely living her dream of becoming a marine biologist). Its also not a terminal disease and new medications and treatments come out fairly often and are much better at managing the disease. For her there is hope and always will be. She is currently unmedicated by her choice. She's managing it with learned techniques, She's outspoken about mental illness and doesn't hide it, so all her friends and professors know.
It's life, you do what you have to. You fall down, you have a tantrum, you pick yourself up and step back up to the plate for the next inning.
Life goes on.
Life in and of itself is a terminal disease.
Life has a way of going on.
You find the small victories and hold to them tightly, because when there are setbacks you need a victory to remind of the good in life.
Monday, April 4, 2016
I'm often asked how I can function, how I am able to work while taking pain medication. It sucks. It really does. I don't get high, I don't get that euphoria addicts speak of. I don't get high. I get relief. I get decreased pain. I'm never pain free, but with it being decreased i am able to still function.
Don't be mistaken, after years taking narcotics your body does have some sort of dependency, but it's different than an addicts dependency. When my meds wear off, if I'm not in bad pain, I don't take them. I only take them when I hurt. Sometimes that means I have symptoms of opiod withdrawal. They aren't pleasant, but they wont kill me. I yawn, horribly and almost nonstop. My nose runs, my eyes water, and I look like I have severe allergies or a cold. That's the start of withdrawals. I tolerate it, because I have the mindset that if I take them when I don't need them for what they were prescribed for, I'm an addict.
Don't be mistaken, after years taking narcotics your body does have some sort of dependency, but it's different than an addicts dependency. When my meds wear off, if I'm not in bad pain, I don't take them. I only take them when I hurt. Sometimes that means I have symptoms of opiod withdrawal. They aren't pleasant, but they wont kill me. I yawn, horribly and almost nonstop. My nose runs, my eyes water, and I look like I have severe allergies or a cold. That's the start of withdrawals. I tolerate it, because I have the mindset that if I take them when I don't need them for what they were prescribed for, I'm an addict.
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
The Ugly Side of Me
Once upon a time I had dreams. I had aspirations. I knew what I wanted with life.
Real life got in the way.
I became a single mom.
I did what I had to.
I went to school. I became a nurse. I grew up and learned how to support my family. I didn't always do things the best, but we made it through everything.
I got married. I love this man with all my heart, by this isn't the life i pictured or wanted.
I work a low paying job(for my career), but the benefits are good,the hours are good, and if I'm needed at home I have the ability to do that.
I hate being a nurse. I didn't want to be a nurse, yet certain people, when I try to talk about my feelings, will turn things around and say "you always wanted to be a nurse as a kid". Reality is that no I didn't. A woman important to me is a nurse. I wanted to be like her. It wasn't me though. I had bigger dreams and aspirations. I was afraid to be me, to say what I wanted to be, I was always pushed in the direction others saw for me. I always had the need, the drive, to be what others wanted for me. I regret it.
I'm not me. I'm a nurse, a mom, a wife. I regret the first. They second filled my life with love and hope and taught me so much, how to love others at the most basic, the most complete level. The third I am madly in love with, despite the complications of life. He completes me at the deepest level. He is the reason I needed to be a nurse. I needed to do it for him, despite not knowing him until 9 years ago. It's what he needed, and now I have the skills to care for him, to discuss things with his doctors and therapists at a clinical level with emotional detachment.
As a child I REALLY wanted to be a marine biologist. My oldest child now carries that dream, and I hope and pray she doesn't give it up.
My real dream, now that I'm a grown up is research. I'm still not 100% certain, but that's not bad. I want to be a microbiologist with a minor in virology. I also want to study neurobiology, but I think majority of that is because of Lee. I dream of finding a real, legit, honest to God it works cure for Parkinsons disease.
My dream is dead. I wont ever do any of that. I can't get financial aide, and I certainly can't afford to pay for a doctorate level education, or even a Masters, let alone a bachelors. And if I could...I still would have to work full time. We couldn't live without me working. How could i fit school, work, caring for Lee in and have time to study? I don't have a time turner.
I really doubt anyone would support a gofundme for a 41 year old burnt out woman.
So my dreams are now dead.
I have to live the rest of my life knowing I really did fail at me.
Real life got in the way.
I became a single mom.
I did what I had to.
I went to school. I became a nurse. I grew up and learned how to support my family. I didn't always do things the best, but we made it through everything.
I got married. I love this man with all my heart, by this isn't the life i pictured or wanted.
I work a low paying job(for my career), but the benefits are good,the hours are good, and if I'm needed at home I have the ability to do that.
I hate being a nurse. I didn't want to be a nurse, yet certain people, when I try to talk about my feelings, will turn things around and say "you always wanted to be a nurse as a kid". Reality is that no I didn't. A woman important to me is a nurse. I wanted to be like her. It wasn't me though. I had bigger dreams and aspirations. I was afraid to be me, to say what I wanted to be, I was always pushed in the direction others saw for me. I always had the need, the drive, to be what others wanted for me. I regret it.
I'm not me. I'm a nurse, a mom, a wife. I regret the first. They second filled my life with love and hope and taught me so much, how to love others at the most basic, the most complete level. The third I am madly in love with, despite the complications of life. He completes me at the deepest level. He is the reason I needed to be a nurse. I needed to do it for him, despite not knowing him until 9 years ago. It's what he needed, and now I have the skills to care for him, to discuss things with his doctors and therapists at a clinical level with emotional detachment.
As a child I REALLY wanted to be a marine biologist. My oldest child now carries that dream, and I hope and pray she doesn't give it up.
My real dream, now that I'm a grown up is research. I'm still not 100% certain, but that's not bad. I want to be a microbiologist with a minor in virology. I also want to study neurobiology, but I think majority of that is because of Lee. I dream of finding a real, legit, honest to God it works cure for Parkinsons disease.
My dream is dead. I wont ever do any of that. I can't get financial aide, and I certainly can't afford to pay for a doctorate level education, or even a Masters, let alone a bachelors. And if I could...I still would have to work full time. We couldn't live without me working. How could i fit school, work, caring for Lee in and have time to study? I don't have a time turner.
I really doubt anyone would support a gofundme for a 41 year old burnt out woman.
So my dreams are now dead.
I have to live the rest of my life knowing I really did fail at me.
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