4 weeks...and 1 day

4 weeks. 4 weeks and 1 day since I last lay my head on your chest. 4 weeks and 1 day since I heard your heart beating strong in your chest. 4 weeks and 1 day since I soaked your chest in tears as I said I love you. 4 weeks and 1 day since I held your hand tight, comforted when you squeezed it back. 4 weeks and 1 day since I felt your hot breath across my hair as I sat by you, my head on your chest. 4 weeks and 1 day since I last massaged your hands with lavender lotion. 4 weeks and 1 day since I caressed your hot face with a cool wet cloth trying to bring your temp down a little and make you more comfortable. 4 weeks and 1 day since I sat there counting each breath, timing the long pauses between, wondering if it was your last.
4 weeks since I said good bye. Hoping, praying that you really weren't gone.
4 weeks of nights I lay in bed crying, hugging your blanket wishing it was you.
2 weeks of nights since I could bear to turn off the light, most nights at least, and see our stars on the ceiling and walls. The stars we slept under every night. The stars we talked under every night. The stars we shared our hopes, dreams, frustrations, fears, and love.
10 years my heart was yours.
10 years I held your heart close to mine.
5 years your wife.
5 years your caregiver.
10 years of happiness and love.
4 weeks of heart break.
4 weeks of heart ache.
4 weeks of missing you and wishing you were back at my side.
4 weeks wishing I could hear you call me Jenny one more time.

Life With A Terminal Disease-or how we wait for death

Today a friend and her husband have been married 23 years.
I love seeing things like that. It used to make my heart ache every time I saw something like that. While happy for my friends and family, it still made me realize how short my ever after really will be. Life with terminal diseases sucks, but at the same time is a blessing.
 I know my forever after won't be as long as yours, my parents, my grandparents, and at the worst moments I ask myself "is this it, has my ever after ended today"? Will there be another day for us? Will he remember who I am tomorrow?(there have been recent days that no, he doesn't know me).
 I just take it day by day, and I try to make the most out of every minute  we will have together.
I was talking with my mom this morning about something I want to do, but know I can't until Lee is gone.  Mom  said "well that won't be for another 10-15 years".  Reality is, lewy body dementia prognosis is 5-7 years. The Parkinson's disease and leukemia are an issue, and there's a timer running out on those also. I take it Month to month, day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute, second to second, and count myself as lucky. We know it will end sooner rather than later. We can plan for it, I can plan for my future without him, and we can let ourselves live like today is our last day together.
I encourage everyone to live that way. Its not sick or morbid, its living for now instead of tomorrow because you never know what tomorrow will bring. Live, love, laugh, and make the most out of today.

We don't do dogs

I used to work at a nursing home. We had a resident who's dying wish was to have his dog cremated and their ashes mixed. So GH died. T was an old dog and had a lot of health problems so none of us had an issue with his wish. We made the arrangements well before G died. The day came and I stopped to pick T's ashes up on my way to work. Get to work and called the funeral home, as arranged with the director weeks before.


I sit down and call... "hello, I'm calling to arrange pick up of GH's dog T."


Funeral home1(FH)- " Ma'am, we don't do dogs"


 Me-"yes, I understand that but we made these arrangements weeks ago and we were told to call after the dog was cremated"


FH-"yes, well, there are places that dispose of animal remains, if you call the shelter they can direct you to one"


Me-"thank you, but can I speak to your supervisor"


FH-"yes ma'am but they will also tell you we don't do dogs."(then transfers me)


FH2- "hello ma'am, I understand you have a dog for us to pick up"


Me-"yes, he's ready to be picked up, you already have his owner GH"


H2-"but ma'am, we don't do dogs"


Me-"I understand you don't do dogs, the dog is already done, he just needs picked up, can I please talk to your supervisor"


FH2-"yes, but they will tell you the same thing"(transfers me again)


FH3- "good evening, I understand there is some confusion regarding animal remains, we don't do dogs but if you call this number..."


Me-(very short and irritated by this point) explains again and tells him to call the director the arrangements were made with.


FH3- agrees to call director who isn't on call that weekend but will have him call me.


FH4(director)-" I'm sorry for the confusion, apparently the message didn't get passed to the weekend on call, we will send someone out within the hour"


Me- thanks him and hangs up to wait for the pick up.


Almost exactly one hour later... In walks a dude looking at an index card, pushing a gurney with a body bag on top...stops by the desk.


Him -"I'm here to pick up T Hambert*"


Me-stands up picks, the box up, walks around the nurses station, sets the box on top of the body bag on the gurney "here is Mr. Hamberts* dog T"


 Him-"but ma'am, we don't do dogs"


Me-(as I'm sitting to start paperwork) "well today you do do dogs, have a nice night"


(He called the funeral home who had been notified of the irregular situation by this time, and was advised to return with the dogs remains immediately so they could get the dog done)


*name changed