It's really not poison

Oh good God.
I left two pain pills out for Lee to take in case the kidney stones hurt him while in an at work.
I get home tonight, he's in bed. I go in to talk to him and he says "I didn't take that poison" . After several minutes of me asking him questions he finally says "those two poison pills you left me, you said they were poison so I didn't take them".
I just want to cry for him. I wish I could get through to him all the time.  My heart breaks when he's like this because I can't help him, I can't fix him, I can't make him all better and as a nurse I should be able to.
But I can't fix this. I can't make him better. Instead I climb into bed next to him, after getting his bed time pills together and convincing him they aren't poison. I give him a kiss and I lay here silently crying as he drifts off to sleep and I listen to his slow, even breathing, my heart full of love, but breaking at the hopelessness I feel.
I am a caregiver. I am a wife. I am a nurse.

Strong for Life, Or how do you do what you do

I often get told I am one strong woman. I don't see myself as such. Here is my response to that statement.

Strong... Depends on the day :) I have many days I close myself in the bathroom and cry and feel sorry for myself and my life, then put on a happy face and go back to life. I'm in a facebook group for spousal caregivers and it's been a lifesaver. I can say things there I can't elsewhere for fear that people will think I'm a horrible person or say negative things about it when I just need to vent. I can talk about anything, kids,  hubby, me.... Someone there has been there done that thought that. I think half my friends would drop me fast if I said something like how much easier it would have been if he had never woken from the coma 2 1/2 years ago, half of the rest would say things along the lines of how can you think something like that. The remaining 25% would vary between texting, messaging or calling to ask what's up and why are you thinking that, and saying I understand, what can I do to help.
Usually those feelings happen when I have to cancel something I'm looking forward to because he needs me. I married him knowing he had parkinsons (triggered by surgery to repair a brain aneurysm), and a probable stroke during the surgery(he had underlying parkinsons, the brain trauma kicked it into high gear).
I'm an RN and I know better than most what will happen with the parkinsons, that only makes it easier from a clinical standpoint, not as a wife. They discovered the leukemia after we were married. It wouldn't have changed the outcome, I still would have married him.
The kid...she's a lot easier to face, mental illness is a lifelong illness. It could get worse at any time, and I am thankful she's as stable as she is. When she was a teen it was harder emotionally for me. All the what ifs, how will she be able to do anything, live her dreams, what will happen if something happens to me, will she have to live at home forever (I wouldn't mind, but it would mean that she's not likely living her dream of becoming a marine biologist). Its also not a terminal disease and new medications and treatments come out fairly often and are much better at managing the disease. For her there is hope and always will be. She is currently unmedicated by her choice. She's managing it with learned techniques, She's outspoken about mental illness and doesn't hide it, so all her friends and professors know.
It's life, you do what you have to. You fall down, you have a tantrum, you pick yourself up and step back up to the plate for the next inning.
Life goes on.
Life in and of itself is a terminal disease.
Life has a way of going on.
You find the small victories and hold to them tightly, because when there are setbacks you need a victory to remind of the good in life.

The Ugly Side of Me

Once upon a time I had dreams. I had aspirations. I knew what I wanted with life.
Real life got in the way.
I became a single mom.
I did what I had to.
I went to school. I became a nurse. I grew up and learned how to support my family. I didn't always do things the best, but we made it through everything.
I got married. I love this man with all my heart, by this isn't the life i pictured or wanted.
I work a low paying job(for my career), but the benefits are good,the hours are good, and if I'm needed at home I have the ability to do that.
I hate being a nurse. I didn't want to be a nurse, yet certain people, when I try to talk about my feelings, will turn things around and say "you always wanted to be a nurse as a kid". Reality is that no I didn't. A woman important to me is a nurse. I wanted to be like her. It wasn't me though. I had bigger dreams and aspirations. I was afraid to be me, to say what I wanted to be, I was always pushed in the direction others saw for me. I always had the need, the drive, to be what others wanted for me. I regret it.
I'm not me. I'm a nurse, a mom, a wife. I regret the first. They second filled my life with love and hope and taught me so much, how to love others at the most basic, the most complete level. The third I am madly in love with, despite the complications of life. He completes me at the deepest level. He is the reason I needed to be a nurse. I needed to do it for him, despite not knowing him until 9 years ago. It's what he needed, and now I have the skills to care for him, to discuss things with his doctors and therapists at a clinical level with emotional detachment.
As a child I REALLY wanted to be a marine biologist. My oldest child now carries that dream, and I hope and pray she doesn't give it up.
My real dream, now that I'm a grown up is research. I'm still not 100% certain, but that's not bad. I want to be a microbiologist with a minor in virology. I also want to study neurobiology, but I think majority of that is because of Lee. I dream of finding a real, legit, honest to God it works cure for Parkinsons disease.
My dream is dead. I wont ever do any of that. I can't get financial aide, and I certainly can't afford to pay for a doctorate level education, or even a Masters, let alone a bachelors. And if I could...I still would have to work full time. We couldn't live without me working. How could i fit school, work, caring for Lee in and have time to study? I don't have a time turner.
I really doubt anyone would support a gofundme for a 41 year old burnt out woman.
So my dreams are now dead.
I have to live the rest of my life knowing I really did fail at me.