Not much has really been going on. Lee is doing well, kids are great, and I'm doing relatively ok on the blood issue. I'm not doing ok on the pain issue though.
I always hesitate to talk about pain. It's not observable unless there's a visible cause, broken bone, impaled by a pole type of visible. It's a hidden curse. You can say I hurt, but the next question is always "why", followed by "where". The why is the diagnosis the doctor gives. The where...it all depends. My pain is known as chronic pain syndrome. I am a prisoner and my number is 338.4.
Recently we had to make a major change to my pain management program. We went in a direction I never wanted to go in. It had to be done though because of my liver. With it being enlarged anything with Tylenol is now off the table. I'm now on a long acting with the same drug in a short acting form for break through pain. My doctor suggested this about a year ago(well before we knew of the liver issue), but I was hesitant and declined. I felt then that if I went for the stronger drugs it would mean I failed, that I was getting worse, and then there was also the mindset that only fakers that are addicted to narcotics and need their high use these drugs. I refused to risk that type of addiction, though after 4 years on any opiod narcotic 3-5 times a day every day there is going to be some amount of physical addiction.
I got the new prescription and turned it in to the pharmacy. Then I cried all the way home. I feel like I'm starting over again, I really do feel like I failed, though I really have no option any more.
Life goes on and you learn to live with pain. And you learn to hide the pain, and that you are on these medications.
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